Shocking Revelations
by Nightstalcer
Summary: After being left by Ziva, Tony has another obstacle to overcome before his life can get normal again. If it will ever be normal again. Takes place after S11 EP4 but with a twist. Mostly Tony-centric, mentions Ziva but no real TIVA.
1. Chapter 1

My first NCIS-Fanfiction. Yeah.

And while there are so many episodes that are predestined to get an episode tag I had this weird idea and so I went with that. This story takes place in season eleven at the beginning after episode 4 "Anonymous was a Woman". In my version Tony went to Afghanistan too just bear with it please.

As you will probably notice I'm not a native English speaker and I actually never watched any episodes in English yet. So I apologize if I'm getting some catch phrases wrong or that characters have a different speaking pattern as normally seen in the series.

This story contains no real pairing but more or less focuses on Tony and the team. As portrayed in canon I also address the issue with Ziva but this is no Tiva-fanfiction. I can believe that Tony fell in love with her but I also think that some things were between them that could never result into a healthy relationship of these two but since when does Tony choose what's good for him?

Enough with that, aside from the occasional swearing there is nothing in this story that requires a warning. I will announce it if that changes. I have some idea where this thing is going but it's not finished yet and we will see how it works out.

Now enjoy the story!

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><p>Chapter 1<p>

„Grab your gear!", the bellowed command carried across the bullpen and two agents sprung into action while grabbing said gear and followed the commanding voice into the elevator that would bring them to the garage where the NCIS-Van was parked.

Their leader didn't need to mention to them that the Truck would have to be gassed or that they needed to call their medical examiner Dr. Mallard to come to the scene too. After so many years of working together they just knew how to proceed when going to a probable crime scene. The only thing that was different was that all these tasks were not as normally accompanied by endless chatter from one of the agents. In fact, there was no talking at all except the command of their leader to grab their gear. They only worked in silence and were finally ready to head out to Rock Creek Park towards the scene in the agency's sedan. The truck would be taken by the MEs assistant.

At least Ducky can't get lost on the way there as murders happen way too often there, Senior Field Agent Anthony Dinozzo thought, as he would have normally commented and probably earned himself a head slap from Gibbs for it.

But today everything was different... In fact, everything just royally changed when Ziva David, his former partner and love-interest had gone back to Israel to find herself. Never mind that he just found the courage to actually tell her that he discovered that she was his salvation and the key for him to finally have a somewhat happy and content life. But as it was with Jeanne Benoit he always fell for the wrong women. Or Kate, or Paula Cassidy... well the list was long enough and you couldn't forget EJ and Wendy. Ziva was just to last of them to take his heart, toy with it, making him believe that she loved him back and wanted to be with him and then crushed it under her ninja-assassin-boots like it was an insect that was bugging her.

Now you're being unfair Dinozzo, he scolded himself in his thoughts, all the while missing the intensive gaze that Gibbs gave his second-in-command and longtime SFA while driving no way near the appropriate speed limit.

Special Agent Timothy McGee also realized that Tony wasn't in the right mind set but he also was pleased with the absence of Dinozzos chattering and bickering with him. He wasn't in high school anymore and after almost ten years or working for Gibbs he was nowhere near a probie but Tony, who worked for Gibbs the longest still called him that regularly.

Oblivious to his team partners' thoughts, Tony returned to the subject of Ziva in his head. She told him that she loved him too but that it was just not enough for her. After her father died she didn't have time to really mourn him and she needed that time and she also realized that she wasn't Ziva David, Mossad agent extraordinaire anymore. She tried to get a new life when joining NCIS fully and becoming an American citizen but when she was finally free, having quit her job she immediately returned to her roots, going back to Israel. Tony shivered, all his visits to Israel were tainted with something happening that stole the ground from under his feet. First time Ziva assaulted him, wanted to kill him for taking her lover Rivkin away. He never got to explain it to her, she never apologized and he still had forgiven her. That was just the way he was, his father, Wendy, even Gibbs would attest to that. Maybe he was too used to be screwed over which was why he didn't even wonder why he was once again the one that was being used. The second time...

"Something on your mind, Dinozzo?" his boss voice sounded next to him, impatient as always.

Tony looked up "Nothing on my mind boss."

Gibbs just looked at him, aware that that certainly wasn't the truth but they had a crime scene ahead of them and personal affections had to wait.

"Then why are you sitting there?" he just inquired, knowing that his senior field agent would momentarily realize that they were already at their destination and then spring to action.

He knew him too well as Dinozzo acted just as he has predicted, also adding the "I'm sorry boss, coming.", that he would add, even if apologizing was against the rules of Gibbs.

He looked towards McGee who was eagerly waiting for him.

"Dinozzo, bag and tag, McGee, take pictures and finger prints from our victim. I will question the witnesses".

Despite being the number one dump-place for corpses in DC the park was very famous for family gatherings and such. So a whole family with grand-children included was waiting at his disposal. His two agents began working while he walked towards the corpse, a petty officer in his late twenties and approached his medical examiner Ducky and his assistant Jimmy Palmer who was performing his thingy with measuring the temperature of the liver and then announcing to him the approximate time of death. Gibbs never paid attention to the procedure and never would know how to perform this himself but that was what you had MEs for.

"What have you got Ducky?" he asked his old friend, totally aware that without a thorough autopsy he couldn't say much about their petty officers untimely demise. But you had to keep up the appearance and it became a friendly ritual as was his messing with sighed, his thoughts turning towards his longtime agent. Something was troubling the boy that much was obvious. And while they all were coming to terms that Ziva wouldn't come back to them it wasn't just that. Tony acted differently when affected by actions of a woman. He didn't recognize it as odd that he referred to a grown man in his forties as a boy but that was what Tony would always be for him and Ducky. The age difference aside but Dinozzo had the tendency to act like a child and he didn't mean his weekly goof-offs with his teammates or the inappropriate comments about sexual intercourse with whoever was now on his imaginary girlfriend-list but more the way he dealt with when he was in trouble or had a problem. Normally kids would go to their parents for help or advice but Dinozzo, having grown up mostly away from his family kept things to himself and dealt with them alone.

Mostly he managed and being a well renowned and respected agent throughout the whole alphabet of agencies the US had to offer he didn't turn out too bad as a person but in all honesty he was screwed up. Maybe that was why his team worked so well together and could solve nearly every case they got on their table. Every member had issues but they were dedicated to their work and didn't stop at the job description but went way beyond their normal duties to bring a murderer behind bars. Or six feet under as he preferred.

"Why Jethro, you must know that I can only say anything conclusive with an autopsy but I believe that our unfortunate officer here was poisoned."

On Cue Jimmy rose and pointed his fingers to the lips of their body.

"They begin to turn blue which is too early to be a result of the death..." Gibbs tuned him out, the word blue being a painful reminder of another "body".

He observed Dinozzos work quietly. He expertly bagged and tagged all evidence and when he finished with that he took over canvassing the surrounded area and looking for further clues. He knew how to handle a crime scene and how to command his team members. So he should be okay by having a new agent added to their team in the near future and having himself more concentrated on the rest of them right?

Gibbs wanted to reassure himself that Dinozzo was a grown man and wouldn't think anything stupid when he turned his attention more on the other members. At least he hoped so while his famous gut gave him a different vibe. He ignored it for now.

He questioned the family, learned that they only discovered the dead petty officer but didn't see the crime being committed or someone near the crime scene. After getting their initial statements he gave them his card so that they could call him if they remembered some important detail. Most of them didn't and he guessed that most of his given cards were tossed in the trash at home. Most likely the way he tossed away the card of the FBI-agent that informed him that they had no idea who murdered his family. Hence why he didn't like the bureau, Fornell excluded.

What was with him today getting so distracted at work? He dismissed the thought being interpreted as worry or something else ridiculous and concluded that he needed more coffee.

"McGee, when you are finished with processing the scene stop by and get some coffee. I'm going back with Ducky to the Yard. Do you know who this is yet?", he asked. Since they got this new technology with a transportable database of fingerprints identifying a body didn't take longer than ten minutes.

"Boss, there is a problem with that. He doesn't seem to belong to the navy as we have no prints of him in our database. I mailed them to Abby already but so far there is no result." Gibbs sighed, so they now had a John Doe at their hands. All this technology and they still needed some good old police leg work, he mused. It seemed that Dinozzo would have to shine in this case as he was familiar with the old ways of gathering information about a suspect or a body.

"McGee, get Dinozzo and go back to the yard and find out who that guy was, everything. I want a detailed background. Going for coffee." He switched the tasks and without waiting for an answer he got to the sedan and drove away from the scene. The others would have to squeeze inside the truck to get back.

McGee nodded and walked to the left further into the park where Tony went before looking for more clues and evidence. He found his partner searching the trashcans next to the jogging track that was momentarily devoid of people.

"Did you find anything? We got a John Doe!" he informed the senior field agent of his findings and joined him.

"Other than dog poop which was not in some bag? Nope, nothing helpful. Thankfully we have enough gloves in our truck or the next one that shakes my hand would be in for a nice surprise.", he grinned and stood next to Tim. The younger agent looked disgusted by the telling of his teammate and he had had his fair share of dog crap already. Why did he agree to take in that damned German Shepard? He had shit into his home way too often. Still he had grown on the animal and were it not for his work hours he would've kept the dog. He found a nice place for him in the country at one of his cousins and visited him when he had a weekend that they were not on call.

"Very mature, Tony.", he instead said and rolled his eyes. Most of the time Tony was damn funny and his jokes always released the tension that arose when having a very difficult and/or gruesome case. But he would never tell him that or he would find himself even more at the receiving end of his antics. Not gonna happen in this lifetime.

His partner smiled and then turned serious.

"Tim I want to tell you..." he stopped abruptly and clenched his teeth.

"Sonofa..." he hissed and when Tim wanted to inquire what happened he quickly smiled again.

"Oh I just discovered that I still have some dog poop on my gloves. I will just wash it off then come to the truck." he said and left a confused Tim there standing while he ventured towards the exit of the park that was conveniently furthest away from the crime scene and therefore his team members. He spotted a public toilet and went into one of the stalls, having no intention of using it.

"Damn!", he cursed and rubbed his left arm. The same one that was broken during his fight for life with Rivkin and re-injured one day later, courtesy of Ziva David. Right now that wasn't what bothered him but the sharp pain that went through him while talking to McGee. His phone vibrated in his pocket.

"You know I only wanted to ask him how it was going with his girlfriend.", he said to no-one in particular. The screen of his phone informed him that he indeed had a message.

"_You know what will happen." _He read and sighed once more. All these years everyone he worked with had thought about some way to get him to shut up and now it seemed that someone found one quite effective. Safest option for him was to say nothing at all. With that in mind he turned and wanted to exit his stall as a really intense pain coming from his left arm brought him to his knees.

"Argh..." he bit his lips to muffle a scream. Gasping he grabbed the toilet seat and exhaled long breaths. His lungs ached; they didn't like this kind of exercise nowadays. He tasted blood in his mouth from his bloody lips. He exited the stall once the pain was gone and washed his face at the sink, scrubbing away the remnants of blood from his mouth. He didn't try to think what kind of germs colonized in this public bathroom and how just too much exposure could end deadly for him with his kind of lung issues. Another vibrate came from his pants and he looked at his phone once more.

"_Just a warning...less Dinozzo will make them suspicious." _The urge to throw his damn phone against the wall was quenched by the thought that then he wouldn't even know where he stood. And knowing he screwed up was better than being unprepared. But now he had to talk, had to act like everything was just peachy and avoids certain series of words stringed together. Well, the first he could do in his sleep, he always did. The second was more difficult as he needed some of these words to perform his work. Phrasing them differently should work though.

Deciding that he already spent way too much time for just washing his hands clean from dog poop he exited the bathroom and jogged back towards the truck where McGee, Ducky and Palmer stood waiting for him.

You can do it, Dinozzo. He told himself and smiled once again.

"Sorry McImpatient but there was this really cute student who needed help and..." For once he was glad everyone tuned him out anyway so the leery gaze he opted for finishing the sentence with wasn't necessary. He got into the car letting McGee drive back to the yard and stayed subdued for the car drive. Jimmy glanced at him but didn't comment on it while Ducky told some fascinating story about his times as a youth.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello Guys, thank you for your alerts and reviews. chapter two is now coming, some mild swearing ahead.

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

McGee thought when he got back into the bullpen at the navy yard that he should have been irritated with Tony's behavior. He let him drive for once. Second, he didn't say much on their way, didn't protest when Gibbs just bought normal coffee for him instead his preferred brew with hazelnut creamer and sugar. Hell, he survived four months drinking Gibbs-style-coffee when he was pretending to lead the team since Gibbs ware recovering in Mexico so he wouldn't die from some too bitter coffee, McGee deduced and therefore didn't pay attention to Tony's mood. His subconscious might have picked up on the constant rubbing of the arm and the fidgeting when the other mans cellphone buzzed but as it was, they just came back from Afghanistan one week ago and that case was not as easy going for McGee than the normal dish of fate they dealt with on a weekly basis.

Gibbs on the other hand was watching his employees closely since they had no real ID of their victim at hand and were waiting for AFIS and the databases to spit out his name and nobody could get to work as they normally would. They looked through the missing persons list and double checked the military data once again getting no result.

"Going to check with Abby, keep looking." he said grabbing the newly bought caf-pow for his beloved scientific forensic genius called Abigail Sciuto and headed down towards her lab.

The elevator dinged and announced Gibbs departure from the bullpen and Tony relaxed. He suspected to be grilled by Gibbs for his unusual behavior but then again, the team leader had shown him repeatedly in the last weeks that he could care less about him, Tony Dinozzo. After all he wouldn't be in this situation if Gibbs had paid attention as he always did before. No, he went with McGee to these women and protected them. Him getting stopped on the way didn't bother him in the slightest, it seemed.

Tony leaned back in his chair and his thoughts wandered back to the event that changed his life – once more.

"_McGee, with me. Dinozzo, look around if you can spot something out of place." Gibbs commands were short and to the point, as always. He didn't cut him any slack just because they lost a team member shortly before. Well she wasn't dead but that did not change how important this change was for him. He loved her and he couldn't believe that Gibbs didn't see it. Why else would he remind him every chance he got about his famous rule 12 if not for him and Ziva? Well, they waited till they were unemployed and officially no coworkers anymore. He knew Gibbs would approve of them in the end, making sure that they stayed professional while working cases. They could, they even could while clearly Ziva hated him for killing Rivkin._

_Still, he had a job to do and so he went to look around the woman shelter and was promptly stopped by some men with machine guns at hand. Not an uncommon sight in this country but as he was about to draw his own weapon and badge they advised in English: _

"_I wouldn't do that if you want to live. Show us your identification.", they ordered. Tony immediately thought that there was something wrong but no one from his team was near, they already entered the shelter. Having no other choice he flashed his badge and ID. His gut, albeit as not as good as Gibbs own was churning, this was so not good._

"_Anthony Dinozzo. I understand that you are an agent of NCIS but I must advise you to stay away from this shelter. We do not like your kind of people here very much, we prefer to rape the women ourselves." The speaker of the little group which all were clad in black scarfs that disguised most of their facial features, again no uncommon sight here, told him. Tony froze._

"_I have no idea what you are talking about, you must be confusing me with somebody else. Although I understand that with my looks." he tried to take it with humor but the group just closed in on him. _

"_Well it seems I have to make myself clearer to you.", he smiled and faster than Tony could react he grabbed his neck and pressed onto his windpipe. Tony struggled against him but the others came towards him and held him down while their leader was choking the life out of him. Even without his stint with the plague his hold was so intense that he started seeing dark spots before his eyes and just before passing out they stopped. Oxygen tried to get through his airway while Tony coughed and panted sinking down on the dusty soil. Nowhere able to defend himself he let two guys of the group pick him up and half carry, half drag him towards a small corner between the primitive houses that were standing in the otherwise deserted area. _

_His weapon was taken from him, and thrown to the ground, kicked out of reach. The trained agent in him screamed to get up and kick the terrorists asses for being so damn smug with him. The hurt and struggling to catch some breath plague-stricken early forties guy was glad for not keeling over. _

_Once again their leader spoke up._

"_You seem to get my point, Agent Dinozzo. Now to make sure you stay away from that shelter we will use some fine technology." It occurred to him later that this guy was way too fluent in English to actually be a native Arab. _

_Now his instincts kicked in and he struggled to stand but was once more held down. Ignoring his futile attempts of escape the terrorist grabbed inside his jacket and produced some pistol. Tony shuddered, now he would be killed and his team, Gibbs would never know how it happened. He had no illusions that these guys would still be there when his fellow agents discovered his body lying motionless in the sand. _

"_It won't hurt much, don't worry.", the terrorist as Tony dubbed him in his thoughts assured him. _

"_Doesn't make it any more pleasant.", he wheezed still having difficulty to breathe. _

_The guy snickered and took his arm. The weapon was placed on his biceps and he prepared himself for the pain of a point blank shot. Instead there was a sharp pain but nowhere near a gunshot wound. He had had too much of them to not recognize them instantly. _

_Suddenly his captures let go of him which resulted in him tumbling to the ground once more. He held his arm and stared at the terrorist who just smiled. _

"_This is a microchip that we just implanted in you. So we always know where you are. If you get too close to that shelter or consider telling someone about this little "discussion" a nice tiny bomb will explode in the navy yard and you wouldn't like that would ya?" He grinned and ruffled Tony's hair like he was some gullible kid. The thought made Tony nauseous but that could also be the result of the choking earlier. _

"_What kind of sick freak are you?" he taunted him, a haunted look while watching his arm. _

"_Some very resourceful ones, Agent Dinozzo." And just for good measure they punched him onto the rib-cage. _

Tony didn't want to remember the next hour as he sat there on the ground, trying his hardest not to pass out from the lack of air. He did a good job disguising how difficult it was to breathe but Gibbs and McGee just scolded him for fooling around and not being there to protect the women in the shelter with them.

But with the threat at hand and the way they got him and what they knew about him he just couldn't take the risk of being near even if he had no idea what he had done to these people. Thankfully Gibbs assigned him elsewhere, mostly because he was furious with him not obeying.

I wasn't even in the country before.., he silently ranted to himself. And the accusation of rape was just far-fetched. There had to be another reason for deliberately attacking him.

This reminded him of his first visit to Israel. Having a broken arm and being nearly choked to death by a trained kidon-assassin was not a thing he wanted to remember but after that the director of Mossad got a piece of him while "interrogating" slash torturing him and if that wasn't enough later on the daughter of said Mossad director Eli David accused him of murder and tried to off him. Never mind the years of partnership; that she should know better. Gibbs and Vance practically offered him on a silver plate that day and it hurt. The only thing that was keeping him from quitting instantly and throwing his badge inside the NCIS directors face was the fact that Gibbs was also angry with Ziva and left her in Israel. He wasn't stupid, he could guess what she wanted from Gibbs and he was really glad that he didn't choose her over himself. If she had **asked** him he would have transferred or more likely quit. He was happy she didn't because at that time her grief was so overwhelming and his guilt for taking her lovers life was a too powerful source to be ignored.

But that was water down the bridge and now he had a different issue to solve. How to get rid of that damn microchip and not blowing up the building.

Gibbs came back and Tony didn't have anything but McGee wasn't faring much better.

"Abby has no result from the international databases yet." Gibbs told them and sat down behind his desk to look at his email. Their boss hated electronic communication but everyone else was using them frequently so he just had to check them for information. Once a day.

"Do you have nothing to do?", their boss glared at them posing the rhetoric question. McGee hurried to at least appear busy but Tony couldn't even be bothered.

"Something's going on with him...", Gibbs mused and decided that he should try a different approach.

"If you haven't grab some lunch, we will have to wait for the ID anyway." They nodded but only McGee got up from his desk and prepared to mount the elevator and enjoying nice break. Maybe he could phone Delilah to have lunch together, that would be nice. Their relationship developed nicely over the time that he temporary quit to save Gibbs from the intrigues of that bureaucratic shit the Department of Defense tried to pull on them.

So McGee saw no reason that kept him from enjoying lunch with his girlfriend and didn't pay attention to the fact that Tony stayed rooted in his chair instead of following him out.

Gibbs sighed, something was clearly wrong and although he didn't believe it he supposed it could be Zivas departure. He had no Intel what exactly happened on the tarmac in Israel but Tony wasn't the same afterwards.

"Dinozzo, the paperwork can wait.", he tried once again but Tony just shook his head.

"I'd like to catch up on that report I failed to complete last week, boss." Simultaneously he looked at Gibbs and for a brief moment his lead agent read the words "Do you care about me?" on his face as clear as written on paper. But then the moment was gone and Dinozzos trademark smirk took their place. "Anything else boss?"

Inwardly Tony cringed. He just screwed up and hopefully Gibbs would return to pretending indifference as he always did when it came to personal issues. They had a case to crack and he was barely holding up. Thankfully Gibbs decided to let it slide and just nodded his approval. He knew that there was no way to get a conclusive answer out of Tony this way. So he let him be for now but he would pay attention on every move his agent made and think harder than ever where he missed the thing that lead up to this behavior.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you all for your vast response to my christmas-story. For all the other, have this chapter as your christmas present. Enjoy the holiday.

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"Going to autopsy", he announced and left the bullpen. He would consult with Ducky how to fare with this particular situation at hand. This wasn't his forte, he was a marine and an investigator, a leader but not some counselor or father. Not anymore but he knew that his team all had the tendency to view him as that, a fatherly figure in their lives. Tony and McGee both had their own fathers but coincidentally both of these relationships were strained at best. Ziva on the other hand had to watch her own father's death as a result of politic schemes across the globe. Even though he had used and sent her on a likely death-mission she still harbored feelings for her abba and that was ultimately also the reason why she left her family at NCIS. Nobody knew that she called him and told him in advance of her plans of action and he even reminded her to be gentle to Tony when she had to break the news to him. It seemed she hadn't otherwise he couldn't explain why she gave Tony the illusion of a future with him when she already decided not coming back after quitting for his sake. It was cruel but that was the way romances worked. She wasn't Tony's Shannon, that spot was long taken by late Caitlin Todd if he wanted to believe his subconscious that had shown him an alternate future where these two had a family and even kids while he himself had been shot. But Tony wasn't aware of that on a conscious level and he also didn't want the younger man to end up miserably alone like he was before having his team assembled around him like a family. In fact, the loneliness ended when he was tackled by a young, energetic homicide detective in Baltimore nearly 15 years ago. The boy as he dubbed him instantly in his mind was cunning, brave and downright funny if he wanted to admit it which he didn't but he also had an aura of sadness surrounding him. He appeared to be alone and even when he mentioned being engaged he knew instantly that it wasn't gonna last. His outward appearance of a social, outgoing and openly guy was a fluke; he used this mechanism to deflect what was really going on. Which he did now too and it bothered Gibbs. He liked to think that after over 13 years of working together and weathering many crises that his second-in-command had some faith and confidence in him that he would be there for him no matter what. He was his next of kin and the one that called the shots when Tony was injured once again, he let him stay at his home when the other man's apartment boiler blew out and he was there when Tony threatened to succumb to the plague.

"Is something the matter Jethro?", Ducky interrupted his thoughts and he realized that he not only had ridden down the elevator but was also standing in the door to the autopsy for the better part of five minutes and not knowing it. Jimmy Palmer only gathered some evidence and exclaimed that he would just bring this to Abby. He hurried out of the door letting the two men have their private exchange that was bound to happen.

Ducky just smiled at the discretion his assistant gave them. Gibbs sat down onto one of the empty autopsy tables next to the one with the body of their John Doe.

"I surmise that Timothy wasn't successful in identifying your poor lad over there but I also know that this isn't the thing that's bothering you my friend. So what is causing this staring into space at my door?" the old ME acquired gently while pouring him a cup of tea.

"The same as always Duck.", Gibbs answered shortly knowing that his friend would know what he meant anyway.

"And what does young Anthony did this time to have you worry about him that much?"

"He is bothered and deflecting about it. Tries to downplay and I suspect that he is injured in some way. His breathing is more pronounced than normally and I don't like it." This was the closest he came to verbally admitting that he cared deeply for Tony.

Ducky narrowed his eyes; he also didn't like what he heard there. He knew that Anthony would not risk getting seriously sick with his lungs and not tell them about it as one small cold could make a huge difference in life and death with him. So he doubted that this was the reason.

"There are a lot of injuries that could impede correct breathing but that should resolve after a few days or he needs to be checked out. Are you sure that he didn't crack his ribs somewhere?" Now that he thought about it, Anthony hadn't visited him in autopsy since he came back from overseas with Jethro and Timothy. But Jethro didn't mention any occurrences on that case for Tony.

"Positive Duck. Had no assignment lately for him where he was in danger. Aside from being shot at his apartment that is. Wasn't an agent then. Could it be Ziva?" The thought of Tony being physically impaired and not telling him about it was an unpleasant one and he wanted to exclude it but with Tony you were never sure. He vowed to grill Dinozzo about it later.

"Well Miss Davids departure sure has hit him hard but his work is flawless as ever and while I suppose that he had deeply emotions for her heartbreak manifests in other ways, more subtle. I remember a young fellow once back in England where I was stationed..." Jethro waved and Ducky smirked. He once again had dissolved Jethros worry into some mild annoyance with him and his endless stories. Dinozzo used a familiar tactic with his constant references to movies and his goofing around to keep them all from looking behind his facade. It worked to his amazement for several years and it took nearly dying over and over again for his comrades to even realize this ruse of their coworker.

After his visit with Ducky Gibbs was none the viser so he settled for reinforcing routine and observing Dinozzo for any signs of injury. He went up again to the bullpen and answered several emails from colleagues. Tony appeared to work sincerely on his report that was due tomorrow and was normally completed on Fridays. As it was with one member short in his team, today was Tuesday and the paperwork was piling up in their in-boxes, but he didn't blame them for delaying. The last weekend was the first one in a long time that they were not on call and also the first off-duty since Ziva left them.

The elevator dinged and McGee reappeared well fed and with a slight bounce in his step which prompted Tony to comment on it.

"Our McGeek here has landed himself some jackpot it seems!", he joked and Gibbs got up to move behind him and deliver the deserved head-slap. Tony winced and stopped harassing his friend instantly.

"Shutting up, Boss." he announced as he always did but today he was more sincere and somber in his answer. Maybe giving him the routine head-slap was exactly the wrong thing for him to do? His agent knew that he didn't mean them, there were part of their particular dance around the subject of caring for each other. They all did it for years and for the exception of one of them nearly dying (which frankly put happened way too often) they were annoyed, amused or even sometimes angered by the showing of affection at one another. But then, Ziva was there in the past times and all of them were there. Could his goofball of the team have decided that he was done with this act? It didn't help – he needed answers and he needed them now. Seeing McGee was to the game he knew his attendance at the bullpen was not needed right now.

"Dinozzo, with me.", he ordered and the younger man rose reluctantly and left his desk with one last look to his computer. This report that was long done and finished had been his get away from Gibbs scrutiny and now he still had to face the other.

The elevator doors closed around them and after a while Gibbs flipped the emergency switch and the cabin became dark. Tony looked at his shoes. He brought new ones after leaving Ziva in Israel and he tried not to think how cliche he was behaving. Only women cut their hair or bought new shoes after being left by a man, federal agents his age and experience coped differently. Or weren't bothered in the beginning, period.

"Tony, look at me." his boss tried a soft approach which told Tony that he must be more desolated than he thought which was not good. Nobody could get suspicious of him he couldn't risk that. Nonetheless he obeyed and looked his boss in the eyes. Instead of the piercing gaze that was reserved for dealing with suspects he saw warmth and sympathy.

"What is the matter with you Dinozzo? You look like you haven't slept, haven't eaten and I see that you were having breathing problems."

Tony's eyes widened at that. Shit, that was so not good.

"And while I will never say that your jabba jabba is not annoying, it isn't like you to be quiet on the ride to a crime scene. You even took that head-slap personally.", Gibbs continued, clearly showing his worry now.

"You see boss, it is that..." The jolting throughout his arm took him by surprise. His knees buckled and he leaned heavily on the elevators closed doors. Gibbs just observed ready to assist him but Tony just waved with his hand.

"Just lost my footing there. Gotta admit, you being so touchy-freely that is..." Another head-slap told him he was now threading in dangerous waters. He nodded.

"Got it. It's just... Boss, you know that I didn't take Zivas departure lightly. In fact it has me struggling and while I know that you didn't want something happening like that with your rule 12 and everything Ziva and I spent time together and then she just said that she couldn't come with me, had to find herself and all that. And I was supposed to take it and accept it and move on? Boss, I really loved her and I tried to protect her but in the end I was never enough. Forgive me if I'm not up to my usual standards but I'm kinda grieving right now. Nobody mentions her name anyway so it's like she died. Like Kate did." The last sentence was one he didn't want to say out loud.

Gibbs inhaled sharply at the mention of their beloved Kate. The reminder of his failure to protect his team from Ari Haswari was one he didn't want to hear and Tony did neither. He always felt standing right there next to Kate that he should've done something to prevent this outcome.

"I understand. Take some time off if you need." he offered his senior field agent but Tony shook his head.

"Thanks boss but I would rather occupy myself with work. Sitting at home doesn't change anything and I want to make a difference." Even if he himself was the lamb prepared for slaughter and he just took all the trust his team leader had in him and crushed it under his foot by telling him this fairy tail. Yes, he did love Ziva and he was bothered by her leaving but he had always known that she was the kind of woman that would bring him grief and nothing else. They hadn't slept together either and if he wasn't enough for her than it was another of his failures in life as he had many of them, kindly being reminded of most of them whenever his father visited.

Gibbs on the other hand deemed what he had been told as logic and accepted this explanation with a curt nod, the most response one could anticipate from him.

It never occurred to the leader that the only times Tony spoke so openly about emotional stuff were the times when he made up some fascinating story about his time in college or his frequent dates with too young women. He forgot that he negotiated with the top of the class undercover-agent that was well known for his ability to do long term assignments aside from normal working hours as proved by the Frog-debacle years prior and to improvise some cover in a few minutes when necessary.

He just broke his own rule, never assume. And Tony being absolutely honest with him about this kind of stuff was just that – assuming.

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I hope you liked it, there is more to come but I need some time writing the next chapters which I will hopefully have between the holidays. See ya.


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